VOID.
OK, maybe not my favorite, let's say the most apropos. You see, I have figured out what is happening in my life. It is one giant void. Void of close friends, void of meaningful relationships, void of entertainment, void of substance. Most of friendships in Boise are based on activities, such as softball, work, school, etc. They don't really hold up based on our attraction to each other as people; they simply exist because of a mutual admiration for an outer source. Once that source is removed, it is about as solid as a house made of crumbled cheese. Not that I would mind that, Feta cheese is the shit, just smells funny.
Who can I blame for such a pass? Just me. Yup, just me. Way back when I first set foot in Boise, I had already determined it was going to suck here. I thought it would be boring, I thought the people were going to backwoods and lame, I thought there wouldn't be anything fun to do, I knew it would suck and couldn't wait to get out of here. So, at one point I did leave, venturing off to L.A. to see what that was like. And, while L.A. definitely couldn't be any more different than Boise, there was one glaring similarity: I was there. Because of that, I wasn't all that happy in L.A. either.
But, back to Boise. Since I thought I was so much better and grander than Boise, Boise and its residents never had a chance to get to me. I was on a pedestal, and people really had to make an impression on me to get up to my level, or at least near it. For girls, it was easier; a pretty face goes a long way with me. For guys, I mean it is nearly impossible. I find men repugnant; generally always falling into one of several categories and OK with it or even unaware of it. I wasn't so sure I fell into any of those categories I had created, and probably wouldn't admit it if I had, but probably fit into all of them.
So, based on this, is it any wonder I sorta am where I am? I mean, if you didn't know me that well, which would be just about everybody, it may appear as though I got it made. Single guy, not bad looking, way with women, going to school, working, being a good dad, doing the film shit, the singing/rapping gigs, the MMA stuff, all that shit. It isn't really anything and basically just adds up to a guy trying to be everything all at once. But, none of it is really doing anything for me. I do all of it because it a part of what makes me up, but none of it is my passion. I am not so sure I have a passion.
One thing I gotta say, my mind runs rampant nearly non-stop. I am constantly examining my life, examining situations, very little gets past me. I think it interferes with me actually enjoying what is happening, because it is under constant scrutiny. I was so disappointed in The Dark Knight Rises the first time I saw it, because I was picking apart every little detail throughout the whole 2 1/2 hours. Finally, the 3rd time I saw it, I finally enjoyed it. I sat back and relaxed and let it be an entertaining movie.
Here is another thing I wish to say, that I am going to do my very best to be completely honest on this blog. It would be so hard for me to say any of the things I think I will say to another actual living person, but in writing it, it feels like a huge relief. And because I am not providing a link to it on facebook or anywhere, I enjoy a bit of anonymity. No one has to know what an insecure, conflicted, miserable bastard I really am, at least no one i know personally. I can still walk around faking the funk like I am Joe Hollywood.
And a third thing, these won't always be heavy, whiny, poor me pity-parties, it has just been on my mind a lot lately. Wondering why I feel so empty lately, why I have no go-to friend(s) in Boise, wondering why my relationships always fail, etc. I mean I know the answers to all those things, in fact, I know them inside and out. It just seems like if I can get them out of my head and look at them, maybe there is hope for resolution.
So, in the end, the void was created with my own shovel. I created the distance, I stay closed off, I stay unwilling to meet people halfway, I stay guarded and suspicious, I refuse to compromise, I guess I got what was coming. This is the world I built for myself. Maybe time to tear it down and start all over.
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