And, finally, my favorite four letter word is....

VOID.

     OK, maybe not my favorite, let's say the most apropos. You see, I have figured out what is happening in my life. It is one giant void. Void of close friends, void of meaningful relationships, void of entertainment, void of substance. Most of friendships in Boise are based on activities, such as softball, work, school, etc. They don't really hold up based on our attraction to each other as people; they simply exist because of a mutual admiration for an outer source. Once that source is removed, it is about as solid as a house made of crumbled cheese. Not that I would mind that, Feta cheese is the shit, just smells funny.

     Who can I blame for such a pass? Just me. Yup, just me. Way back when I first set foot in Boise, I had already determined it was going to suck here. I thought it would be boring, I thought the people were going to backwoods and lame, I thought there wouldn't be anything fun to do, I knew it would suck and couldn't wait to get out of here. So, at one point I did leave, venturing off to L.A. to see what that was like. And, while L.A. definitely couldn't be any more different than Boise, there was one glaring similarity: I was there. Because of that, I wasn't all that happy in L.A. either.

     But, back to Boise. Since I thought I was so much better and grander than Boise, Boise and its residents never had a chance to get to me. I was on a pedestal, and people really had to make an impression on me to get up to my level, or at least near it. For girls, it was easier; a pretty face goes a long way with me. For guys, I mean it is nearly impossible. I find men repugnant; generally always falling into one of several categories and OK with it or even unaware of it. I wasn't so sure I fell into any of those categories I had created, and probably wouldn't admit it if I had, but probably fit into all of them.

     So, based on this, is it any wonder I sorta am where I am? I mean, if you didn't know me that well, which would be just about everybody, it may appear as though I got it made. Single guy, not bad looking, way with women, going to school, working, being a good dad, doing the film shit, the singing/rapping gigs, the MMA stuff, all that shit. It isn't really anything and basically just adds up to a guy trying to be everything all at once. But, none of it is really doing anything for me. I do all of it because it a part of what makes me up, but none of it is my passion. I am not so sure I have a passion.

     One thing I gotta say, my mind runs rampant nearly non-stop. I am constantly examining my life, examining situations, very little gets past me. I think it interferes with me actually enjoying what is happening, because it is under constant scrutiny. I was so disappointed in The Dark Knight Rises the first time I saw it, because I was picking apart every little detail throughout the whole 2 1/2 hours. Finally, the 3rd time I saw it, I finally enjoyed it. I sat back and relaxed and let it be an entertaining movie.

     Here is another thing I wish to say, that I am going to do my very best to be completely honest on this blog. It would be so hard for me to say any of the things I think I will say to another actual living person, but in writing it, it feels like a huge relief. And because I am not providing a link to it on facebook or anywhere, I enjoy a bit of anonymity. No one has to know what an insecure, conflicted, miserable bastard I really am, at least no one i know personally. I can still walk around faking the funk like I am Joe Hollywood.

     And a third thing, these won't always be heavy, whiny, poor me pity-parties, it has just been on my mind a lot lately. Wondering why I feel so empty lately, why I have no go-to friend(s) in Boise, wondering why my relationships always fail, etc. I mean I know the answers to all those things, in fact, I know them inside and out. It just seems like if I can get them out of my head and look at them, maybe there is hope for resolution.

     So, in the end, the void was created with my own shovel. I created the distance, I stay closed off, I stay unwilling to meet people halfway, I stay guarded and suspicious, I refuse to compromise, I guess I got what was coming. This is the world I built for myself. Maybe time to tear it down and start all over.

    

Thunderlips: An Introduction

      In an effort to give a sorely needed boost to my self esteem, a have found yet another outlet to garner myself some attention. I started a blog, and this blog will be nothing but the self serving and pathetic ramblings of a 32 year old single dad living in Boise, Idaho.

     It is hard to say how I got here. Right now, at this exact moment, I am sitting in the Student Union Building of Boise State University, where I am a part time college student. I would have much preferred the library here, sitting up on the 4th floor near a window, overlooking the Greenbelt, watching the happy, healthy people jogging, walking, skating, riding or strolling by. But, to my dismay, the library closes at 7 PM on Friday nights, instead of my midnight like many other nights. I guess the employees have better places to be on a Friday night, unlike me.

     But, I mean how did I get here? 32 years old, chronically unattached, single, spending my Friday night watching To Catch a Predator clips on Youtube. This certainly wasn't what I envisioned when I graduated from Apache Junction High School back in 1998. (14 years ago? Shit.) I am reaching out to the world that I seem to have rejected at every opportunity throughout my entire life. I have burned every bridge with toluene in hand, and then wonder why my phone sits there uselessly, no incoming texts or calls for the last several hours. OK, admittedly, it is serving some purpose. My power cord for my laptop is a little screwy, so it positioned awkwardly on the phone to insure it is providing juice to my battery, though even as I was typing I see that it has stopped working once again.

     Anyway, I will just try to get out the basics with the 38 minutes my laptop will apparently still be alive:

• I love hip hop, blues, funk, soul/Motown, old country music, and Jimi Hendrix.
• I love basketball, football, baseball and MMA, and compete at all at various skill levels.
• I have a 4 year old son with CHARGE Syndrome (more on that later)
• I am Klamath Indian, and White. I look Indian, so I tend claim I am Indian first.
• Hunter S. Thompson is my favorite author.
• Andy Kaufman is my favorite entertainer.
• Ric Flair is my favorite wrestler.
• My arms are covered in tattoos, yet I do not like talking about tattoos.
• I am a walking contradiction, externally and internally.

     All right, I guess that will work for my first edition.